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How to Unwind the Negative Statements

Updated: Feb 18

Choosing the right places to be and the right people to communicate with falls into our locus of control. The right places are those that hold our potential to grow and fulfill our dreams. The right people are the people who are most likely to support our plans rather than do the opposite. However, whether we want it or not, we will always have around us those who will claim to be realists. It could be our co-workers, classmates, and even our relatives.

If you, like me, grew up in a family with a verbally abusive parent who would not think a moment before saying something like: "You are a fat cow," or "Every time you paint a cup, it looks like a glass", or "You will never be happy," etc.—you will recognize the pain. Because all these statements touched on the most sensitive topics for any girl: physical appearance and the ability to do something right. What’s more, with “you’ll never be happy” he aimed to project my future. Hearing these things from a parent, someone who is supposed to be supportive, was painful. All of my arguments aimed to prove him wrong were met with his chronic skepticism that had nothing to do with him trying "to be realistic". He drained my confidence to the point that I paranoidly thought that all people around me perceived me as a fat, untalented girl who had no chance in life to be happy.

However, realizing the need to stay in my parents' house and finish high school, I taught myself just to be present (to listen) but not to hear (not to take it). My mind was as my best friend—always on guard, telling me: What he thinks is his business and only his opinion. I can't forbid him from thinking whatever he wants, but it is in my control not to let his words affect me. You would probably say - there is no way those offensive words left you woundless. Of course, you'll be right about that. None of us live a life without wounds. The key thing is not to let those words influence our future. Keep moving forward even if the closest people to us discourage us and keep us down.

I watched my mother go downhill and her potential be wasted because of her narcissistic husband. I remember her painting, playing guitar, and singing songs after work, until my dad, with all his words and actions, convinced her that he was better at all those things. When he stole all of these things, my mother only had her employment, kitchen, and us children to take care of; there was nothing left to help her recoup after hard work and constant worries.

Later in life, my ex-husband took up the baton to bear his realistic ideas on me, but the keywords here are ideas and realistic. Ideas are not facts!!!

He determined how and where I should work, estimated when I would retire, and how much my pension would be. If I happened to mention another job, he would say that I would ruin our family's future because I would lose my pension and other important benefits. I was intimidated by the idea of ruining someone's life because of a "wrong" choice. Every time he saw me working on my book, he threw big fits, saying that it was a waste of my time because I couldn't get a secure income from it. I stopped doing many things due to my ex's "realistic" views on life. Why did I quote "realistic"? Because it wasn't a proper word to use for either my dad or my ex as both were chronic pessimists and misanthropes. By bringing up the notion: "I’m just being realistic," they tried to crush my dreams, but every time I analyzed my plans, they didn't seem to be unrealistic. Why?—Because they were not unachievable.

If you happen to be among discouraging people,

don't fall under their negativity!!!

Here is a simple technique to employ without appearing rude to them.

To defeat discouraging ideas, you don't need to fight physically. The only thing you need to do is to unwind those ideas.

And here is your unwinding "spell": Even if I remember your words, I will never fall for them. You are not the one who is responsible for my mood, my well-being, and my future, but I am. (On the last words, place your palm on your chest to anchor your confidence.)

Keep in mind that:

Listening means allowing yourself to remember the words and ideas expressed by others while Hearing means believing them.

Unrealistic means Unachievable

Pessimistic doesn't mean Realistic

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